Bereavement
is a distressing but common experience. Sooner or later most of
us will suffer the death of someone we love. Yet in our everyday
life we think and talk about death very little, perhaps because
we encounter it less often than our grandparents did. For them,
the death of a brother or sister, friend or relative, was a common
experience in their childhood or teenage years. For us, these
losses usually happen later in life. So we do not have much of
a chance either to learn about grieving - how it feels, what are
the right things to do, what is 'normal' - or to come to terms
with it. In spite of this, we have to cope when we are finally
faced with the death of someone we love.
We grieve after any sort of loss,
but most powerfully after the death of someone we love. It is
not just one feeling, but a whole succession of feelings, which
take a while to get through and which cannot be hurried.
In the few hours or days following
the death of a close relative or friend, most people feel simply
stunned, as though they cannot believe it has actually happened.
They may feel like this even if the death has been expected. This
sense of emotional numbness can be a help in getting through all
the important practical arrangements that have to be made, such
as getting in touch with relatives and organizing the funeral.
However, this feeling of unreality may become a problem if it
goes on too long.
Soon, this numbness disappears and
may be replaced by a dreadful sense of agitation, of pining or
yearning for the dead person. There is a feeling of wanting somehow
to find them, even though this is clearly impossible. This makes
it difficult to relax or concentrate and it may be difficult to
sleep properly. Dreams can be very upsetting.
People often feel very angry at this
time - towards doctors and nurses who did not prevent the death,
towards friends and relatives who did not do enough, or even towards
the person who has, by dying, left them. Another common feeling
is guilt. People find themselves going over in their minds all
the things they would have liked to have said or done.
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